Yesterday I received an email from my half-sister Lauren. We share the same mother but have different fathers. I met her only once, twenty years ago at Flinders Street railway station in Melbourne and immediately recognised her as 'one of the family' - the genetic imprint is strong. We spent a few hours talking together and then lost touch. Lauren was the second child my mother 'put up for adoption'. The first, a boy born out of wedlock in 1946, the year after WW2 ended, may never be located because we have little information about him. All of this makes me think about the notion of family. When Lauren emailed yesterday (and I hope if she reads this she doesn't mind that I've written it here) she began her message with the following words: 'Born of the same womb, not a claim to a relationship......but a point of interest'. This is a beautiful way to think about the situation. I don't believe there is a definitive explanation of the word family, but I've always considered that it not only included those genetically related, but also friends and acquaintances who share your life in important ways. Indeed, apart from my close relationship with my son, most of my life I've regarded friends as more nurturing and supportive than family members. Taking Lauren's words, I could say that being 'born of the same womb' doesn't always account for much if siblings don't share your life in some way. For me, the concept of genetic family is shrouded in the idea of fragmentation and separation. It has never been about cohesion. So, I expect little from my so called family and much from my friends. Perhaps that's an imposition, I'm not sure. I used to think that my birth family was dysfunctional, damaged, distant - and they are all of that because of the fact that my mother abandoned my father in 1956 and left him to care for five children under the age of eight. He proved unsuccessful to the task. But on thinking about it all now, I really don't think my family is much different to many other families. It was difficult after WW2, more difficult for those proud men (like my father) who had been in the war for six years and matured whilst fighting for our country. When he returned to Australia he was psychologically and physically damaged and although skilled with a gun and war machinery could only find low-paid and perhaps demeaning work making bread or brushes. Six years of poverty and five children later certainly took its toll on both my parents. Rather than forgive them for their humaneness, inadequacies, vulnerabilities and addictions (even though my early childhood has stayed with me and will probably never leave my psyche) I prefer understanding, because forgiveness involves judging people and I really have only a cursory idea of what they endured, what pressures they were under, the pain the anguish of being them! I read somewhere recently that people have shame about their childhood and family. I understand that shame is about feeling unworthy, disgrace or embarrassment, but this is linked to worrying about what other people might think about you and also comparing yourself with others. I have no shame for my childhood or for my parents. They were human! So with all that in mind I look forward to meeting again my half-sister Lauren 'of the same womb'...same mother, different father...such is life!
I agree with Julie's comments. I am interested in the intersection of our lives and am making no assumptions about the future. I am happy my discovery is shared with others. My orginal name was Marlene Clarke.
ReplyDeleteI lived with Mum for a short while when I was twelve. She used to cry about the little girl she gave up for adoption. It was all very sad. When I think of the name 'Marlene' I think of Marlene Dietrich. Did you know that Mum loved to sing, and, that she was a very good singer?
ReplyDeleteSheridan was in a choir ( secular) for many years and did singing lessons recently. She played the clarinet in the school band also. I don't know much about Dorothy at all really.
ReplyDeleteMy partner is a muso, he played professionally and is retired, he tried to start a band with some neighbours and friends, Sheridan was going to join for vocals, things on hold with Ed's health.